at dawn

only the never ending deep blue horizon gets me

ghosts wandering around, howling in my haunting nightmares

I wake up half asleep half worried, my palms sweating 

out of horror and worries, afraid of the night

but the vast ocean looks like endless positive possibilities 

never mind the tears my heart has cried at midnight

never mind the shedding lights frightening me at all time

I choose to believe in another kind of destiny  

one that holds a treasure I’ll never dare to hope for

one that offers a lifetime of peace and meaning 

cash in

as the sea welcomes me 

and my mind gets emptied by the salt of the warm water

I long for a new tomorrow made of deep feelings 

and virgin of any worries 

as I know I’ll eventually cash in the money of my combats

there’s no one to seize the quantity of doubts I’ve had 

there’s no one to understand how lonely I’ve felt in the crowd 

on my own, I stand and I’ll die 

on my own, I’ll get there after a great deal of cries 

boats pass by on the afar horizon as my vision gets blurry

blurry from the tears I no longer cry

blurry from the chaos that messes with my heavy head at all times 

I’ll grow, I’ll fly in times and ultimately get where I ought to the world to be 

I know my path is full of question marks and negativity 

but I also know there’s a light shining over me 

It’ll never leave me to fail 

I’ll always stand, until I die 

but even fish eventually drown

as I put down my pride the fever grew on me 

burnt skin, itching 

I no longer cry when I suffer great deals of pain 

I only gain respect by pulling out the second someone gets too close 

salt on the rug, praying on my flat knees

sand off my pants 

love at bay 

when I start to crave for something bigger 

I feel disarmed and doomed

for I can never access what it is

I only long for it everyday 

a blurry "it" 

that will stay a mystery through the long passing years 

disparate clouds and empty tears 

my heart will be kept afar from my preoccupations

and I’ll keep on walking until death comes for me 

I’ll be physically still but moving inside

even growling, 

or maybe crawling

the floor is as disgusting

as the disastrous conflict inside of my head

will I ever feel free ? 

from all those questions that haunt me down until the day fades away ?

I don’t think I’ll ever escape it

it’s my journey, it’s my destiny

payback

crowded spirit

looking at my old self in the mirror

my head defeated 

my eyes circled 

I no longer love the sun 

It reminds me of deers left dead on the side of the road

It reminds me of your nauseating smell

It reminds me of the warmness of a cursed august 

and how lost my soul used to be 

let me warn you though

before you try to get me back,

run away

I’ll just hit you fast and bad

while I cry at how empty and unstirred I’ll feel

there will be a payback, I swear,

there will be a payback and it will be beautiful and real dark

badlands

I was laying next to his hollow heart 

I wanted to hear his voice warm and excited 

instead it was only deaf and hesitant 

I wanted the sound of love filling my entire being 

instead there was only a crippling silence 

emptying me from pride, from esteem, from just everything 

it all started weighing on my soul 

weighing on my body

the sun got drained out of me 

the enthusiasm also vanished

leaving me all defeated and pessimist 

you won, old enemy

you won me over until I lost myself 

and then you threw me out of your life

the one I knew so well

the one that I claimed was also mine

but a new day appeared 

a new day free of worries and pain 

virgin of any pressure 

the loss fade away as I met a beautiful new soul

this one wanted me fully 

this one made me feel enough

I recovered my dignity while you lost

I can only tell you today there is no space left for you in my mind, 

nor there is in my now hardened heart 

and whenever I remember my old self, I realize it was all necessary

it was all an initiatory journey I had to go through 

to access what I would never have dreamt of, 

what I would never have dared to hope for,

what is even better than what I once wanted 

an old adagio

I recall your name 

whispered slowly in the night 

followed by a silence

deep as the ocean 

I recall your skin 

soft and supple

caressing my own so easily

I recall the atmosphere 

we were drown in 

heavy and moist 

I recall the color of the ceiling 

they might call cream

dirty and decrepit

for most, I recall your anxiety

meeting mine 

both so crippling and proud 

for most, I recall the mess 

in your house

in your mind 

in my poor and victim of a heart 

now this plain old adagio is long gone

and never have I felt this much freedom 

as it was so inhibiting 

as you were a discrete nightmare 

a nightmare I’ll just never forget 

a nightmare I’m oh so happy to have defeated 

forever dead

bang on my head 

bump on a road 

scars on a burnt skin 

dead cells 

my brain freezing 

for you call out my name

for I stopped walking 

my knees flat on the ground 

my heart dropped dead 

could it be true that I lost it ?

lost your consideration and your love forever 

could it be that I no longer deserve your attention ?

somewhere someday, you’ll find me starved and hungry 

for something close to what you used to offer me 

for something similar to your beautiful ancient words 

those that you no longer pronounce

at least, not to me 

a night with no star

as the star disappeared on a gloomy night 

my mind went off

I was laying there, in the warmness of august 

waiting for your arms to surprise me 

waiting for you to come from behind

but you didn’t 

little did I know I had already lost you

little did I know you were so far ahead...

in my head the darkness of the sky corroded every single corner

hollowing my dreams 

leaving my entire self empty

leaving me plain dead from the inside

blank 66

got a feeling

a deep one 

that my heart is going the wrong way

that my soul is taking a prohibited path 

and my mind is wandering through a forbidden door

would you care finding me dead or lost ?

would you help my poor empty self if you knew ?

if you knew how reckless I am, how cruel I feel some days

it always seems unexpected, but is it really ? 

am I not just an old dirty soul waiting to pop out any time ?

am I not just a horrible person in disguise ? 

disgrace

everyday a questionnable choice 

and a lost temper 

the curse

I’ve hidden so much, I’ve buried intensely

and now it’s hard to get where the problem lies

where the worries feed themselves 

I swim in an endlessly disturbed ocean 

tired at all times, tired even without trial 

the dark star cursed me from day one 

giving up is always around, somewhere in my mind 

yet a skinny strength keeps on fueling me, just enough

to go on shedding the hopes that fill my head 

all dead before their birth, the cemetery grows 

I’ll keep deceiving and failing until one day,

one day where it all goes to waste, ultimately

but I’ll let myself believe it was all worth it 

Untitled

Agressive. 

Words as sharp as knife, coming out of your mouth.

Leaving me hurt, hanging. 

In my head, they twirl, they spread everywhere. 

I snap. 

I know the drops will soon make their way out of my humid eyes. 

I see you, looking at me in the weirdest manner. 

Looking at me like you don’t know me.

And I feel the distance growing between us.

A wall built out of the dirty words and tears we conveyed at this party. 

A terrible party, made out of boredom and fear. 

Made out of judgement and misunderstandings. 

I’ll let you think about leaving me, 

I’ll let you hate me. 

As I’ll feel guilty of it all, unworthy of your love. 

Unworthy of any love.

Restless

Restless
Mourning the night away
Impatience making my heart skip beats
Before you go, tell me what's on your blurry mind
Don't leave me this way, uncertain an unclear
For you are the living proof good things happen
Devotion
Devoted to you every night,
For I fear pain is already on its way
Slowly crawling towards my soon to be broken soul
My howling gut is restless
Boiling from the inside when your lips touch mine
Gently torturing my full body, entirely shaken by your beauty
From my backbone to my wide open right eye
Don't mind the lonely tear waiting to leak out of it
Let's just pretend it's not mine

Blank 6

Hopes being held. My hands joined for a prayer, I apologize to the sky for doubting my destiny. Thinking of many of our nights and how they passed by like a swirling star in the night. At dawn I remember what memories are made of and I let myself float in the dark. A stranger looked in one of my crying eye. That drop I tried to hide for so long escaped through my dazzled mind. Howling my guts out when the wolves disappear in the crowd.

Untitled

Sometimes you wonder what you give other people to see of you as you don't even know what you are. Five feets to the left and insecure, you worry about what they identify at your sight because you can't float over yourself to check it out. You'd like to control what your reflexion looks like. If it was possible, you'd make them think what you'd want them to think of you. But you can't. So you just sit there uncomfortably, hoping for your looks to match your expectations but then again maybe they don't. 

An untitled one

If one day my head explodes then I won't be one anymore.
My time wasted, I look at the red sun, my eyes half closed.
And my throat feels burnt. I need to let it all out as my mouth tastes sour.
Could it be worse when the heart starts beating so slow that my whole spirit melts down on you?
Because I feel lost in my head and my body is shaking out of lust,
so craving for attention, I scratch your back and you look at mine.
I don't know wether your smile is genuine or not even if great things happen I heard,
but in a day you can disappear suddenly and I'll be left sad and nothing we'll matter anymore.
Bitting my tongue, the salty water will crawl from my eyes to my soul, again.

Untitled bis

Facing you for the first time I was left without emotions. There were no questions, I instantly knew my heart would withdraw and soon you'd cry for me to let you in. And I wouldn't, afraid. 

Untitled bis

Je fixais ma tasse de thé. 

Le liquide vibrait sur la table tremblante, à l'unisson avec l'ondulation des vagues. 

La mouette pourtant immobile se laissait aller doucement aux caprices du vent. 

blank 5

Tu te souviens ce jour où assise au bord de la piscine, le soleil enrobait ton corps qui fondait sur la chaise longue. Bronzée, dans les draps blancs immaculés et duveteux, tu te sentais excitée et heureuse. Californie, où sentiments de bonheur et d'indépendance se mélangent.

Untitled bis

déchire mes entrailles
le noir détrempe
ô mon amour tu t'avachis
au rythme de mon écho
l'objectif de ton retour
à l'aube plombante
est celui des vautours
douleur flagrante
j'attends, j'attends
d'un revers de tête vicieux
tu assombris mes traits
et silencieux, c'est l'annonce
de la mue de cette histoire
pensées amères et regards mornes
bientôt effacés apparaitront
bien loins et nos destins tourmentés
se perdront un à un

blank 4

Dans les tréfonds de son esprit se battaient des pensées à moitié inachevées. Elle se lève et tousse, les bronches encombrées. Une énième cigarette dans ses mains frêles et tremblantes. Elle fixe les volets en bois entrouverts laissant passer un filet menu de lumière blanche. Sa tête tournait lentement et sa vision était entâchée de petits points sombres. Chacune de ces tâches lui rappelait son visage. Une vision étrange et inattendue. Derrière elle, les gouttes d’eau tombaient une à une dans le silence. L’odeur de l’encens avait envahit la pièce close et le dos nu contre le velours gris râpeux, elle ferme les yeux. Elle fait tomber d’un geste brusque la pile de livres entreposée à ses pieds. Maintenant éparpillés au sol, elle les enjambe puis ouvre la porte qu’elle claque en sortant. Elle est en chaussettes dépareillées, sa voute plantaire se mouille un peu plus à chacun de ses pas sur le pavé trempé. Elle serre ses dents et dévoile un sourire carnassier, ses sourcils épais froncés. Elle touche incessamment ses longs cheveux noirs frisottant au contact de la rosée, agacée. Il n’était plus là. Il avait disparu de sa vie depuis si longtemps et pourtant tout avait la même saveur et la nuit, elle était en pleurs.