at dawn

only the never ending deep blue horizon gets me

ghosts wandering around, howling in my haunting nightmares

I wake up half asleep half worried, my palms sweating 

out of horror and worries, afraid of the night

but the vast ocean looks like endless positive possibilities 

never mind the tears my heart has cried at midnight

never mind the shedding lights frightening me at all time

I choose to believe in another kind of destiny  

one that holds a treasure I’ll never dare to hope for

one that offers a lifetime of peace and meaning 

cash in

as the sea welcomes me 

and my mind gets emptied by the salt of the warm water

I long for a new tomorrow made of deep feelings 

and virgin of any worries 

as I know I’ll eventually cash in the money of my combats

there’s no one to seize the quantity of doubts I’ve had 

there’s no one to understand how lonely I’ve felt in the crowd 

on my own, I stand and I’ll die 

on my own, I’ll get there after a great deal of cries 

boats pass by on the afar horizon as my vision gets blurry

blurry from the tears I no longer cry

blurry from the chaos that messes with my heavy head at all times 

I’ll grow, I’ll fly in times and ultimately get where I ought to the world to be 

I know my path is full of question marks and negativity 

but I also know there’s a light shining over me 

It’ll never leave me to fail 

I’ll always stand, until I die 

but even fish eventually drown

as I put down my pride the fever grew on me 

burnt skin, itching 

I no longer cry when I suffer great deals of pain 

I only gain respect by pulling out the second someone gets too close 

salt on the rug, praying on my flat knees

sand off my pants 

love at bay 

when I start to crave for something bigger 

I feel disarmed and doomed

for I can never access what it is

I only long for it everyday 

a blurry "it" 

that will stay a mystery through the long passing years 

disparate clouds and empty tears 

my heart will be kept afar from my preoccupations

and I’ll keep on walking until death comes for me 

I’ll be physically still but moving inside

even growling, 

or maybe crawling

the floor is as disgusting

as the disastrous conflict inside of my head

will I ever feel free ? 

from all those questions that haunt me down until the day fades away ?

I don’t think I’ll ever escape it

it’s my journey, it’s my destiny

payback

crowded spirit

looking at my old self in the mirror

my head defeated 

my eyes circled 

I no longer love the sun 

It reminds me of deers left dead on the side of the road

It reminds me of your nauseating smell

It reminds me of the warmness of a cursed august 

and how lost my soul used to be 

let me warn you though

before you try to get me back,

run away

I’ll just hit you fast and bad

while I cry at how empty and unstirred I’ll feel

there will be a payback, I swear,

there will be a payback and it will be beautiful and real dark

badlands

I was laying next to his hollow heart 

I wanted to hear his voice warm and excited 

instead it was only deaf and hesitant 

I wanted the sound of love filling my entire being 

instead there was only a crippling silence 

emptying me from pride, from esteem, from just everything 

it all started weighing on my soul 

weighing on my body

the sun got drained out of me 

the enthusiasm also vanished

leaving me all defeated and pessimist 

you won, old enemy

you won me over until I lost myself 

and then you threw me out of your life

the one I knew so well

the one that I claimed was also mine

but a new day appeared 

a new day free of worries and pain 

virgin of any pressure 

the loss fade away as I met a beautiful new soul

this one wanted me fully 

this one made me feel enough

I recovered my dignity while you lost

I can only tell you today there is no space left for you in my mind, 

nor there is in my now hardened heart 

and whenever I remember my old self, I realize it was all necessary

it was all an initiatory journey I had to go through 

to access what I would never have dreamt of, 

what I would never have dared to hope for,

what is even better than what I once wanted